I'm sitting in a new space writing today; a tiny little room that is still relatively unorganized, while a fall breeze plays with the blinds and sunshine pours in. I can hear hammers pounding away on the nearby townhouses being built and the occasional car as it passes.
It's been a long time since I've been here at our desktop in the quiet of the morning, writing. For months when John was sick and Anne was dying, I'd try to write, but words wouldn't come. Instead I'd write, erase, re-write, erase, and finally walk away. At times, it was torture knowing that Anne wanted nothing more than to read my words here, and I was so wracked with emotion that I couldn't make them come.
September was a month of adjustment; everything in our lives has changed, from our house to jobs, the community we live in, living apart from John as he continues to work on a transfer, saying goodbye to Anne, even right down to the car I drive. There is nothing familiar here. For the first month traffic would wake us up at 5am every morning, and just figuring out my way around town was a challenge as I got lost practically every time I stepped out the door. Grocery shopping took twice as long, and it took me weeks to figure out where to find specific ingredients.
I forget that there are not only stores here, but that they are open past 6pm. In Kin's Market I still marvel at the prices of the produce and have to remind myself not to buy too much. The possibilities for things to do are endless, and we often find ourselves overwhelmed by the sheer amount of choices.
Truthfully, I'm surprised that you are all still here, considering that blogging obviously took a back seat for much of this year. There were so many times that I wanted to just shut this place down until the storm passed, but Anne wouldn't hear of it. Knowing that this place gave her comfort spurned me to keep going, even though I know I dropped the ball continually. You didn't get the best of me here, and yet despite it all, you continue to come.
October has always been my favorite month with it's colorful leaves and cooler weather, the excitement of Halloween and family time of Thanksgiving. This Thanksgiving, our family is grateful that we made it through what could possibly be the toughest year that we've ever faced and dome out on the other end intact. Words are finally coming back to me in bits here and there, and my old optimism is still flickering.
It's time to really start living again and instead of waiting for a life to end, start looking to what's ahead. Maybe I'm a little rumpled, and the last year has changed me a bit, but I'm still here.
Thanks for waiting.