Friday, September 14, 2012

The Laws of Moving

1. Your things will be packed almost a month in advance, leaving you fumbling around trying to exist with most of your stuff stacked in boxes in the garage, while the males of the household will leave everything of theirs where it is until the moving truck pulls up to the house.  Even their clothes will still be hanging in the closet, while your desperate cries of "Will you PLEASE just PACK YOUR SHIT?" go unheard.  Of course by the time they decide to pack their stuff, you will have run out of boxes and tape.

2. Stuff is deceiving.  You may think you don't own a lot of stuff but even though you ordered a moving truck FAR bigger than you thought you needed, you'll find that you need to make two trips because your husband has somehow acquired enough tools and crap to outfit an entire shop.  Add to that the fact that he doesn't throw anything away and hangs onto bell bottoms from the 1960s (which, incidentally makes them older than YOU), and moving becomes a job of epic proportions.

3. You will lose (or think you lost) something of your husband's.  It happens every time.  This time, you open a box in the new house to discover ALL the pants that he wanted you to donate to Salvation Army.  You momentarily panic, thinking you instead got rid of all the pants he actually wears. Which, in your sleep deprived and stressed out state, you forget that if you had done that, he'd been walking around a) naked or b) in pants 2 sizes too big the last couple of weeks.

4. Hoards of flies will invade your home, throwing themselves about on the windows and buzzing around your head in the kitchen.  Suddenly 'kill the flies' becomes a past time as you collectively swat at no less than 25 of the suckers every single day.  They will leave little gross spots on the blinds that you just cleaned and you will tear through all kinds of boxes looking for their source. You will only find out after you move and unpack that you accidentally brought the maggots home in a wine box collected from the liquor store,  which you had packed your cookbooks in.

5.  The new house will be located at the far end of a complex, with a very narrow road in the middle of construction where workers have left trucks and equipment everywhere.  You will watch in horror as your husband tries to navigate a corner and a) not hit a truck b) not rip a hole in the moving truck and c) not take off the drain pipe on another house.  Repeating "Oh my god I can't look" and covering your eyes is optional.

6. All the furniture will be large, heavy and solid oak, it will take three of you to haul it up one, maybe two flights of stairs, and it will be no less than 30 degrees outside.  You will be covered in bruises, scrapes, cuts, and have to break out the Advil and muscle cream for everyone.  You will also sing the praises of the realtor, who made sure that your new fridge's water line was hooked up so that you could drink large icy glasses of water out of Mason jars.  Hey, you couldn't find the glasses!

7. When your car rolls off of BC Ferries the last time, you will scream for joy.  You will later mock your teenager in the new house by calling him via Intercom and repeating the BC Ferries docking announcement.

8. Food Revolution type food is completely tossed to the wind as you subsist on Tim Hortons, Starbucks, and take out pizza for a few days. When a home cooked meal is finally made, the family is grateful and your boys then begin telling you what fast/take out food did to their digestive tracts.  Um, too much information, thanks.

9. The neighbours, who you never really paid much attention to while you lived in the old house, suddenly rise to the occasion and pitch in to help you.  They take items that need to go to the recycling depot, feed you, haul furniture, and offer much needed moral support.  You are completely grateful beyond words and a little sad that you didn't really make much effort to get to know them better, resolving to do better in the next house.

10.  Your husband will try to organize his new garage and realize that there is no room for all that stuff that you bugged him to pack, or at least donate or throw away, and finally decide to get rid of it.  AFTER you've moved it, of course.

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