If you've been here awhile, you've noticed that I've been struggling. Posts have been sporatic, I haven't finished things I've started (hello, Bliss?), and it's pretty clear that I've lost my focus.
At home, it's the same-I haven't kept up with anything, from laundry to housework, making sure Kev is on track with school, and more.
I hate it. I hate being unreliable, letting people down, and not being at my best. I've been losing things, like one of our hand sets for our phone. How does that happen? Hubs is wandering through the house, trying to find it while I'm at work. (between you and me, I hope that I didn't leave it some place where it can be ruined, like the freezer. Or outside. Fingers crossed?)
Yes, things are stressful; and I think, I was trying to keep from thinking too hard about anything by just not allowing myself time to think at all. Pile on more, and more, and more so that I'm so exhausted that I can't think anymore, blog anymore, BE anymore, because if you are too tired to think, you can't worry in the middle of the night, right?
That plan didn't work so well.
Over the weekend, I took the great advice of a friend of mine to go easy on myself, and for the first time in a long time, I shut off the computer and walked away. No sitting in front of it, trying to will myself into writing something and then panicking when the words wouldn't come. No pressuring myself to tweet, write, or come up with anything witty and entertaining. No looking at stats, reading emails, no trying to take photos for content, just....nothing. Nothing at all.
Instead I walked with my husband in a carpet of leaves in the forest, and we marveled at how close a squirrel was when it ran up a nearby tree trunk. We meandered our way down a path he has named "Mushroom Alley", and counted all the different kinds of wild mushrooms we could see. Some were the color of orange sherbet, others looked like fairy parasols.
I took Kevin out and we enjoyed conversation over huge slices of cheesy pizza and cokes in a local shop.
There was tea and cookies with a dear friend, who I had missed when our schedules didn't allow us enough time to meet the week before.
Finally, I had the chance to organize things long since forgotten, throwing out all sorts of papers and garbage that needed to be purged, making piles to donate and others to stash away. I found things long since forgotten, such as pictures, my social insurance card, coupons, and recipes.
Curled up in a fuzzy blanket by a warm fire, I dozed for hours.
A calendar was dug out, cookbooks thumbed through, and plans made for the next month in the kitchen as I watched the Jamie Oliver videos I posted yesterday.
My plants, parched and starting to wither, were finally watered. As I stood there with the watering can I realized that like my very soul, all that running and working, trying to be distracted so that I didn't have to think too hard, was making me parched too.
I don't think that I've quite found the balance yet, but I'm getting there, and tonight I wrote this post as I sipped hot chocolate, sang to you Tube videos, and smiled more than I have in weeks. Bit by tiny bit, I'm finding my Bliss again.
You can't write about life if you aren't letting yourself stop long enough to live it.