Saturday, July 16, 2011

Food Revolution Road Trip11 Day 1: I Need a Vacation

It's the end of the school year, but it feels like things have been dragging on for eons. There is so much to do-the end of the year always means wrapping up parties, concerts, graduations, and more-and I just don't have the energy for ANY of it. When did my life turn into all work and no play? I am stressed-so much more stressed than ever before, and this vacation is something that I NEED.

There isn't even a reprieve from work before vacation time, this year. It's full on work like a mad woman, jumping straight into full on get up at 4 am to catch the ferry because you, dear woman, are on vacation mode.

My head is spinning. I just want to sleep. I don't want to be up at 4 am, I don't want to catch the ferry, and why can't I just have a coffee?

A truckload of coffee wouldn't do it today, but here we are, on vacation. First we need to take a ferry. Then it's the running of the border gauntlet, because we are some of the very few who are infected with the border curse. This means that every time we want to visit the border, whatever line we choose immediately slows to a crawl, as all the other lines speed up. This year, however, we were smart. We remembered to stop and toss any fruit and vegetable garbage we happened to have so that we didn't get terrified by the border guards again, but unfortunately we forgot to do one thing.


"Oh, my GOD." Kevin spots the border line up, stretching down the highway before we even turn. "Don't go there, Dad! Go to the truck crossing!" John turns the car and we drive somewhat further down the road to another long line of cars, all waiting to cross into the USA. It was then that I remembered that I had to go to the bathroom.

All that coffee, you know.

"Um, is there a bathroom?"

Bounce around the car, that will help. Scout out locations. There is a duty free palace that is advertising Crown Royale on sale, and...what the hell? Victoria's Secret? Lingerie and booze? I suppose they go together, but really?

I consider getting out and walking. Will they let me walk across the border? Are there bathrooms there?

"There's a bush over there." Kevin points out the car at a small swath of trees and giggles.

"Are you INSANE? There are people here. I'm not flashing my white butt at these people. And there's houses! No way!"

Bounce in the seat some more. Try not to think of water. Water falls, streams, river, running water...


The line snakes through the pavement, mocking me. I can see the booths where the border guards sit, asking us questions about whether we have fruit or vegetables, where we are from, and how long we plan to stay. There are no bathrooms. We wait.


By the time we reach the border and the guard is looking at us, I'm ready to burst. Where do THEY go if they have to pee? Do they hold it? Please don't search the car. I'm a good Canadian, I won't do bad things in your country. I just need a bathroom. I don't care if it's American or Canadian, any one will do. ANY one.

With no orange peels this time, he waves us through. Success! The first gas station Hubs spots, he stops and I make a bee line for the back only to find...

...another line.

Two people are ahead of me, and one is taking FOREVER. I begin to hop. Dance. Wiggle in some I-must-move-so-I-don't-pee-myself fashion. To distract myself, I turn to my right and there in the freezer case, is a pile of processed food. Is that...margarine? No, it's cookie dough. In what looks like a margarine container. Kevin picks it up and turns it over, brow furrowed.

"Oh wow, you should see the ingredients in this. It looks like a science experiment."

"Well, it can't be any worse than THAT. " I point to a display behind him. Something that will continue to crop up throughout the entire trip, that we will see at every gas station in each state we visit. Something that is rare in Canada, but every where in the USA.

A literal WALL of donuts, pastries, cakes, and processed treats.

Hostess Fruit Pies?! I feel like I'm in an ad in a 70's comic book!

I had left my camera in the car. This photo is by Carrington Vanston-and I had the same thought as he did when I saw these! Huh? I thought they were just in Archie Comics!

What are IN these things? And don't they go bad? Why so many? Do people actually eat them? They must, because why would there be such a selection if it's not? At home we may see a few things in the junk food selection, but an entire WALL?

Yep. We're definitely in the USA.

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