Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Ashamed

Awhile ago, in a week where I was slammed with more than I thought I could handle, a former friend came into my life. He stayed around awhile, and I, thinking that had found someone that I could re-kindle a long lost friendship with, opened up whole-heartedly.

Then he disappeared without explanation.

I won't lie. I was CRUSHED.

I've had a lot of people abandon me in my life. Friends, family, people who should never leave you, have walked away. I often say that it's okay, that I'm over it, but the truth is, I'm not. That is the one place, the one button, that hits me to the core. Be nasty to me, but don't abandon me without explanation. THAT I cannot take.

That week was the roughest I've had in a long time. Hubs has been, for awhile, afflicted with some medical issue that we can no longer ignore or explain away. We're not sure what it is, but he has been losing so much weight that it's becoming noticeable, and that cloud-that constant fear of cancer returning one day and leaving me a widow, was becoming overwhelming. Between friends and family who have died of cancer or who are fighting it, I feel some days like everyone I know has cancer. Who's next?

Hurting, angry, and lashing out, I wrote something here-something so angry and bitter, that sometimes I didn't even recognize myself. How could he? How could he just drop into my life, befriend me, listen to my deepest fears and feelings, and then drop back out again without explanation? HOW!?!

A mutual friend of ours left me a comment today. A friend who I've loved so dearly, who was my friend since grade one. A friend who took me to my first movie-Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham, at our elementary school open house. Someone who also never failed to make me laugh and who I had learned only days before my friend disappeared, has terminal cancer.

That news set me back for days. I absolutely could not believe it. Him too?

His comment, though gentle and loving, was a wake up call. I suddenly realize that I had completely violated my own rules for this blog-not blogging when I'm angry, being proud of what I write, not calling people out, the works.

All of it. I completely BLEW IT.

I feel so completely ashamed of myself. This boy had to delete his account because of his job and while the wound still stings and I have some questions, I owe him a deep, heart felt apology. I lashed out in my words, and it was wrong. I owe all of YOU an apology. I will not, ever, allow myself to lose control like this again. Instead I will walk away from the computer, write but not hit publish, and breathe deep.

I don't want my space filled with hate or my words to cause hurt.

Life, I'm finding these days, is really all too short.

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