Friday, January 15, 2010

Momma Bear Mantra

Where was I this week? Abducted by aliens? Working for the CIA? On an international volleyball convention? (only one person in my life is going to get THAT reference, lol)

This week was hard. Really hard. Really, incredibly, HARD.

The unblog-able drama has become a never ending story, which sucked every bit of creativity and fun out of me, rendering me an anxiety ridden, emotional, mess.

None of you would have wanted to be around THAT. Trust me. So instead I turned to my kitchen and lost myself in creating enough food to fill up my freezer, and then I holed up by the TV and mocked the people on "Operation Repo" and "Housewives of Orange County" via Twitter. Sometimes being unplugged has it's advantages. As in the most amazing chocolate cupcakes I've ever made from scratch, which I'm going to share with you this weekend!

They are perfect for Valentines Day, and I just know you'll love them.

Anyway, a turning point happened today. I was at work, and had just finished a 30 minute phone call where I was given some news that really rattled me. After bolting to the bathroom for a little privacy, I stood there, dangerously close to completely melting down.

Can't melt down. Gotta supervise the hallway.
(Oh my God, oh my God, oh my god.....)
Gulp.
I can do this
Breathe.
I have to do this

And then...out of nowhere, I remembered a conversation with a friend-a friend who is going through a much harder time than I am, but who is wonderful and gracious, and who knows that my hard stuff hurts too. We had joked awhile ago that we each needed a mantra to repeat to ourselves, over and over, when we had those moments where we didn't think we could cope anymore. Whirling around and gripping the edges of the sink, I stared at my eyes.

They startled me a bit. Wild, bluer then I thought possible, they looked utterly panic stricken.

"I am strong, I am smart, I am capable, I can do this."

Over. And over. And over. I repeated the words until my heart stopped pounding, until my hands loosened, until my eyes softened, until I finally believed it.

Damn it, I can let myself melt into a puddle of anxiety, or I can dig deeper and choose to believe that in the end, the Momma Bear will prevail.

I'm choosing to believe because if I've learned anything through years of advocating, this Momma Bear is damn persistent.

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