Saturday, August 08, 2009

New Beginning

Thanks everyone for your kind words last week. When I wrote this, it was one of those posts that was painful and hard, where I spent half the time a weeping mess and then my head just hurt. What I didn't tell you, is there's more.

It's funny how life goes. Something happens and you think it's the end, only to discover that another road unfolds before you. I'm not really one of those people who think that everything happens for a reason, but I do think that every experience teaches me something.

In that case, my heart was absolutely broken. Crushed. (if you haven't read this, go. I'll wait. You need the back story. It's a bit long, though)

The walls that I erected around my heart were so high that a mountain climber couldn't have scaled them without oxygen.

I'm not going to do THAT again, I'd say. No Internet friends. No real life friends, either. I am just going to plod along and make do with Hubs and Jake. That should be enough, shouldn't it?

Sometimes, you just gotta strike out along and make your own way with our without a posse of your own. I had been there before, and I could do it again; which is fine and dandy in theory, but honestly, it's kinda lonely.

The days rolled by, and I went to work, did my job and came home. Ever cheerful, helpful, and kind to the people I see every day, but the wall always there. At one point, I declared to a co-worker that I was particularly friendly with,

"I don't make friends at work. I've had my heart broken before. If I have to advocate for Jake and choose between a friend and him, he'll always win. It's just TOO HARD."

She nodded in agreement. Silently, we agreed to work together, but my words had made it clear, "This is business. Not friendship."

That worked okay, for awhile. Then life happened and I found myself feeling fiercely protective of A, when she was going through a hard time.

What the hell is this? Am I...? Okay maybe. Just a little. I really like her.

Then one day, A and I looked at each other, and I realized that the wall was gone. Bit by bit, it had been chipped away and suddenly, I didn't just have a friend but a really good friend. One that you can talk to for hours about nothing (and everything!), share secrets with, enjoy coffee and cheer each other on. My heart, once broken, feels full.

Sometimes, you have to lose one to gain another.

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