Monday, July 06, 2009

First Time

Awhile ago I took Jake to the doctor for a check up, because he's growing and changing so fast, I wanted to make sure everything was okay. After reading an article about check ups for teens, I wanted to prepare Jake for the fact that sometimes doctors will want to check particular parts of your body that might surprise you.

"Like your toes?"

"Um, no. Like your balls."

Horrified, stunned silence, followed by a rant of oh my GOD no MAN is touching my BALLS because EW that's DISGUSTING and they are fine so why does he need to look at them, much less TOUCH them that is just RUDE and I'm so embarrassed now I don't want to talk anymore so Mom just drop that subject NOW.

So much for that conversation. Fortunately, I find that if you appeal to Jake's scientific side, you are pretty much guaranteed to some how convince those teenage brain cells that you have a point. So I pulled out a recent magazine article on teenage health (specifically, teenage BOY health and the importance of getting such areas checked because of cancer risk) and showed it to him. He still didn't like it, but he understood what might happen and why. Plus Hubs talked to him, and man to man they discussed the importance of having even THOSE areas checked out.

When I was growing up sex wasn't something we really talked about, except for my parents to pretty much say, "You won't be doing that until you are married so you don't need to KNOW."
While I knew the basics about how the deed was done (hello, I took biology!), I didn't know pelvic exams or yeast infections even existed. I didn't even know much about birth control.

I was just damn lucky I'm hard to get knocked up because that wait until marriage thing? It so didn't happen.

Anyway when I had met Hubs and decided that I should go on the pill, I scheduled a doctor appointment. I thought that maybe he'd ask me some questions, talk about my health, and then give me a prescription.

"Okay, put on this gown and put your feet here."

Feet there? Huh? Why? He's not going to look at my...? EW! He's some old crusty man! No! Go away!

"And how many sexual partners have you had?"

"Two." It's hard to talk to a guy who is looking between your legs, even if he's a doctor. I swear I was even cringing down there.

"You know if you have too many, you will get AIDS."

What? I'm not stupid. I know how you get AIDS. Besides, give me a little credit. I at least waited until I was 19, and the guy was a virgin too. I only had sex with him because I thought I wanted to marry him. That one didn't work out and now I know I'm marrying this guy. I'm no slut. I had plenty of offers, mind you. I'm just not like that.

Then he pulled out a speculum. You know, that cold metal thing that looks like some ancient torture device?

And WHAT THE HELL is that metal thing? If you think you're putting that...WHERE? You're kidding me. And he's going to do WHAT? OUCH! Stop it! That's digusting!


Hubs met me in the car.

"So how'd it go? You look kinda white. Everything okay?"

"You knew!" He shrank back a bit as I gave him the evil eye. "You knew what was going to happen, and you didn't even warn me!"

"You didn't know?" Hubs was laughing so hard that he began to gasp for air, "Haven't you had one of those before? Didn't anyone ever tell you...?"

"No! I didn't know that they even existed," I sniffed "And now I'm traumatized! What a way to get birth control. If that's what it entails, I will never have sex again."

So much for that.

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