Sunday, May 13, 2007

Change of Heart

I knew it before the doctor told me. He looked a little unnerved, as if what he was about to say was something I may not want to hear.

"You're pregnant."

What he didn't know, couldn't have known, was those two words were something I'd been waiting and hoping to hear for a very long time.

"Was this planned?" He looked concerned. Maybe it was the fact that I looked young-heck, at 24 I was young.

"Of course it's planned!" I grinned like a woman that had just won the lottery. Baby. Mine. My baby.

As soon as the quiet of my car enveloped me, I cried tears of joy. I am going to be a mother.

I had no idea what I was in for. Sure, I was prepared for the semantics of diaper changes and late night feedings, of sippy cups and cheerios ground into the carpet. There was something that nobody had ever prepared me for; something that I had never expected. How motherhood would change my heart.

How it would swell with more love then I thought possible the first time Jake fell asleep on my chest.

Or melt when he hooked his little fingers in my collar with one hand, and the other twirled a strand of my hair.

Stop cold in fear as our eyes met across an emergency room, when at 2 months old he was strapped into some strange contraption awaiting a chest x-ray.

Become ranging angry should anyone even think about hurting my baby.

Ache for the moms of 9-11, Oaklahoma City, and Columbine.

Dance for joy when Jake thrived in a great school.

Empathize for the moms of the special needs kids that I work with.

Swell with pride when he organized his own hot chocolate stand to raise money for less fortunate kids.

Laugh until I cried at his antics during a preschool concert.

Marvel at his wit when we go shopping and he charms every shopkeeper.

Feel warmed and loved by his kisses and hugs that are given for no reason at all.

They say when you become a mother life is never the same; this is true.

But then again, neither is your heart.

Happy Mother's Day!

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