Monday, March 26, 2007

Sunday Snore-Fest

Last night there was a jackhammer in my bedroom around 4 am. It made noises akin to the shrieking of small puppies being tortured, and children tantruming in the candy aisle.

It was my husband snoring.

When I was a kid we would visit friends or relatives and I always wondered why sometimes the adults slept in different bedrooms.

Now I know.

My husband usually doesn't snore, but when he has a cold or his allergies are acting up, the noise that emits from the man is enough to cause permenant hearing damage. My recourse usually is to hit him in the hopes that the pounding of my small fists on his body will somehow dislodge whatever the heck is in his throat.
Or that for the love of God, he will just shut up and let me sleep.

I tossed and turned, seriously considered suffocation (his, not mine) and finally took my pillow and a blanket to the couch where I tried to sleep unsucessfully. Somehow the ticking from the living room clock, which I normally can never hear amid the usual day to day noise that occurs in our house, was almost as deafening as the snoring. Don't you hate it when that happens?

Have I ever told you how bitchy I can be on three hours of sleep? Raging nasty bitchy. Scary, get-out-of-her-way-lest-she-rip-your-eyeballs-out-bitchy. You've been warned.

It wasn't a good morning. Back to school, back to work, and even though I'd slept in every single day of spring break, last night afforded me no comfort. I was exhausted.

How did I repay my loud bedtime companion? Oh, I had ways.

You see, there was this lovely last piece of chocolate ganache birthday cake that I had promised to share with him. Instead, I popped it in my lunch bag this morning and took it to work.

Whereupon I sat during lunch break and ate the entire thing with a lovely cup of coffee, savoring every bite and ignoring the stares of my co-workers. No, I didn't share. Not a crumb. He sat at home all day having one more day off, waiting for me to come home and share the cake.

After dinner I let him know that he who snores and disturbs the queen's beauty sleep forfeits all rights to the birthday cake. If that doesn't work, maybe I'll try shoving a tampon up his nose.

Told you lack of sleep made me bitchy.

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