Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Murphy's Law of Storm Theory

1. You will be in the midst of making homemade pizza-have the dough in the pans, the toppings chopped, the oven hot, and be opening the jar of pizza sauce when the power goes out.

2. While your husband will have the foresight to phone and remind you to make dinner reservations at the only decent restaurant in town before all 2000 people have the brains to do so, the restaurant will not have power either. You make reservations anyway.

3. Once winding through back roads that could take you out into Boonyville reminiscent of dark rainy areas in horror movies where axe murders and Blair Witches live, you arrive in town only to discover that the power is on at the restaurant. Upon trying to phone home to see if your own power has been magically restored, the pay phones will not work and the cranky cashier in the store close by will not speak English. She will, however, take your quarter and then scowl at you as if you are phoning Africa.

4. The restaurant will be abuzz with every person in your neighborhood looking for hot food and a warm place to sit. Upon rejoicing at your good fortune of finding a place that has power and you may now order the best pizza you've ever eaten (next to your own), the Electricity Gods will remind you that they in charge by immediately shutting down the power. Again.

6. When the Electricity Gods have sufficiently humbled you, they will restore power to the restaurant and let you eat pizza. However you must show respect by paying for it immediately since all you have is a debit card, lest the power go out yet again.

7. The home in which you will sleep for the night will have no heat, no hot water, and no light. The DVDs that you rented earlier that day will be useless. The Electricity Gods will not care that you waited for the 2 for 1 rental day. They are angered by your desire to watch Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom, and will sufficiently punish you by making you write Christmas cards by candle light while your man snores very loudly and un-hot-like nearby.

8. You will all sufficiently freeze your ass off all evening and try to put makeup on in the morning by candle light. You will suffer from extreme lack of coffee. Your child will morph into the bad-ass version of himself that growls and spits at anyone that comes within a 10 foot radius.

9. Your child will have a meltdown because you won't let him take ALL his birthday gifts to school. He will also forget his glasses and remember only when he sets foot in heated, lit buildings that serve coffee, which will force you to turn around and go home to get them. (because you know that if you don't the school secretary will phone you at work)

10. Upon buying coffee, the lid on the paper cup will not work and result in you spilling coffee all over yourself in the car on your way to work. (Oh well, at least it was hot, right?)

11. No excuse, not even the misadventures of the evening, and no heat or light will be a sufficient excuse for your child to miss out on finishing homework .

12. Neighbors will play one-up-manship with your power outage adventure. You'll be told to get used to it, since this is 'normal' for your area. Think about how backwards a community you live in all you want-it's bad enough not having a Walmart, but this constant power outage thing is getting old REAL quick.

13. After work when you go to the store to buy propane and batteries, the father in front of you will see fit to arm his small child with a stick and have him whack you, the nearby chocolate bars and DVDs, and himself with it. He'll find it amusing while you are ready to smack him upside the head with the stick.

14. When you get home you will find the electricity restored, and you must immediately do an "I-am-humbled-by-your-mighty-power" dance to the Electricity Gods. Especially when you turn on the TV and discover that another storm is coming this evening and your power may go out yet again.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get a cup of coffee, shower, and do some laundry. I hear that wind beginning to blow, and I'm not taking any chances. Just in case.

© 2011 Notes From the Cookie Jar, AllRightsReserved.

Designed by ScreenWritersArena