I Called Her Anne

She's the first real best friend I ever had; the one who, even though she moved only a few years after we became close, letters kept us in touch. Summer visits, letter scrawled on lined 3 ring paper, swatches of prom dress material were pieces of our friendship in the days before Facebook and Twitter.

I squealed for joy when we became roommates for about six months in the big city after graduation and sobbed because my heart was broken when she had to move back home, hundreds of miles away.

She supported me when I married John, even though nobody else would and was the maid of honour at my wedding.

Kids, weddings, births, deaths, jobs, and life happened, and somehow, our communication waned. There was no fight or falling out at all, we just somehow got caught up in our own stuff and time to send letters became shorter and shorter. Visits were fewer and farther between.

Today we sat over steaming cups of coffee after ten years of not seeing each other, and it was like not a single day had passed. We picked up right where we left off, reminiscing about first loves, teenage drama and our city escapades. The best friends are those with whom you have a familiar rhythm. There is no question about your love or loyalty, and even though you both know you've been bad about keeping in touch, you wish each other well and know that no matter what happens, you ARE still friends.  The conversation flowed effortlessly, just like when we were little kids..

..and then  I called her Anne.

Long ago Anne had mentioned to me that she wanted me to move on once she passed, and I had explained that while I knew intellectually I would have more friends, nobody could take her place. She was special. There would be a giant, gaping hole to fill. That hole has, at times been almost physically painful as I've tried to wade through grief and loss the last seven months. While now not quite so raw, every now and then it creeps up on me and catches me by surprise.

When I called her Anne, we were laughing over coffee and she didn't even flinch. Her brown eyes just smiled back at me, and I knew. Whether 12 or 42, friendships like this are rare and special, never to be taken for granted. Anne taught me that. Why didn't I see it before? Why did I let life get in the way?

She has been there all along, for 30 amazing years.

All I needed was a reminder.

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It's Never Just a Lockdown

I was sitting in a classroom, my work day almost finished, marking math papers. She quietly stepped in the room and whispered about an 'emergency' call, and after I dropped my pen and immediately followed she turned to me and asked,

"You have an older son, right?"

Catch your breath, Karen. Don't panic. It's probably nothing. Still, I practically ran to the phone.

Kevin's voice on the other end sounded relaxed, and somewhat annoyed.

"There was a bomb threat, Mom. We've been in lockdown for a few hours. Just waiting for the police to give us the all clear. Don't pick me up, I'll walk home."

"No..wait, you're in lockdown? Let's meet down the road, then. I'm off in ten minutes. I'll come get you. And seriously, it's not really an emergency. You scared me to death. I thought you were at the hospital or something. You're fine-but thanks for calling me."

I find him at a fast food joint near his school and he spills the story once in the car. After lunch today, some message was apparently scrawled in the school about a bomb. They had been in lockdown since just after lunch, sitting in their classrooms, and just waiting for the police to check the school and give the all clear. Once the news sunk in, I could't believe my reaction. Not an emergency? What the hell was I thinking?

Kevin doesn't remember Columbine, but I do. I work in schools. The few days after seeing students run for their lives on TV, or Patrick Ireland pushing himself out a window and being caught by a SWAT team left me wondering; what do I do if there's a gunman at my workplace? How do I protect that defenseless child in a wheelchair? Do I haul them out of the chair under a table & throw myself on top? Do we run? Would we have time?

I spent the next few months scouting out every exit I could find. in fact, all these years later, I still look for the exits.

He doesn't know what it's like to try to hide twenty six year olds in a dark room during lock down practise and imagine what it's like to throw yourself in front of a gunman to protect other people's babies-not because it's your job, but because you really could not allow anything to happen to those precious little souls entrusted to your care. Their tiny wide eyes. Their innocence, and how hard it is to try to explain what we are doing without shattering it.

"I can't believe I'm going to say this to you. I can't even believe that we're having this conversation. I have never wanted to, but I'm going to tell you something. If you are in the hall, or the lunchroom, or a place near a door and there is an actual shooter in the building, you get the hell out. You don't hide in the library under a table unless there's nowhere to go. Go out a window if you must. When you get back there on Tuesday, I want you to scout out all the exits so you know where they are if you ever need to use them. Leave the laptop behind and just get the hell out of the building."

This is crazy. Why are we even having to discuss this? We should be talking about girls and parties and summer jobs, and instead we're discussing best survival strategies if a gunman invades the school. What the hell has become of our society? 

"You know, I have an idea," I continue, "We need a code word. If a real disaster happened you may not be able to call. Let's have a code word. It will mean, "I'm safe & meet me at our designated place. All you have to do is text that word to my phone. I'll use it too."

Kevin nods. We talk about past school shootings, and he tells me only then that the supposed bomb was alleged to be right under his classroom.

"If it was real, we'd all be dead," he continued.

I don't even want to go there. It's too much.

There are lots of errands to run tonight-things that I need to get done. Important things only this morning, but now they seem ridiculous. Instead, once home I pull out M&M cookies and ice cream, smooshing them together into delicious sandwiches that we nibble at and then lick sweet melty ice cream off our fingers.

Errands can wait.

Today, I am enjoying being home with my son.

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Love You Forever

The little box of magnetic poetry was thrust into my hands last spring when Anne was cleaning out her house before she moved to Vancouver for cancer treatment. I had always liked the idea of magnetic words to play with-being a writer and word lover at heart, they seemed like a lot of fun.

I never really did have a chance to look at it for long. Soon we were in the throws of life and the box was put away and forgotten about. Words became fraught with frustration; every time I'd sit to write, I'd stare at the screen on my computer, and nothing would come.

The box stayed hidden away for months, forgotten, until the other day. I was rummaging around for something in a drawer when my fingers found the smooth plastic and I pulled it out, turning it over in my hands, and remembered that day when Anne smiled at me and said that she loved my words.  She always loved my words. No matter how mundane, she would tell me what she thought of every post, answer every tweet, reply to every email. Every Friday tea ended with "I love you" and a hug.

Mother's Day is, for me, a day that causes a little angst. All the mushy, heart squishy accolades to perfect and wonderful mothers only makes me think more about the complicated relationships in my own family and how unfair it felt to lose Anne, who at times was Mom, sister, friend all rolled into one. You can try to avoid it, but still it creeps up on you little by little and this morning, I woke after a dream of having tea with her once more and needed a bit to collect myself.

My fingers hesitated before I dipped into the box of Anne's words and resolved to pull out five random magnets just for fun. The first four describe life perfectly, right now.


One last word to go. What will I pull out? I'm not normally one to do this, but before I reached back into the box, I paused and closed my eyes.

"Anne, give me the last word you want me to have, okay? Love you." my hand hovered before my fingers rested on a magnet and picked it up and opened my eyes.




Honestly, I couldn't help but smile.

Love you forever, too.

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Sunday Awesome #3 & 4

I really enjoy Sundays. John and I often sit on the couch until around noon, sipping coffee while he watches "Holmes on Homes" and I write on a laptop. I'm not really a TV person, but I don't mind listening while I type. In the afternoons we trek out into the Valley, often stopping at farms or going for a walk and then picking up coffee. I putter through the kitchen, baking cookies and getting things ready for the week.

These days, since John is home during the weekends, I tend to cook more while he's here and less while he's away. It seems backwards to me compared to how we used to do things, but it works. I actually forgot to post my awesome list last week, so THIS week you get TEN awesome things unlike the usual five.

Double the awesome! Awesome squared! Or something like that.



1. Planning a weekend getaway with friends

In the last year, I have learned to appreciate my friends so much more. I'm not able to go to Blogher or Blissdom this year and neither are some of my friends, so THIS has me ridiculously excited. I will be counting the days until our weekend for the next few months. Can I squee? Swanky hotel, really great food, and loads of friends? I'm so in.

2.  Farm fresh honey

Yesterday we trekked out to Honeyview farm and picked up a jar of their blackberry blossom honey for toast, and then a little jar of garlic and ginger infused honey. I'm thinking it would be great in a dip or brushing over chicken. Farm fresh honey is really thick and delicious-probably the best I've ever tried.

3. No processed sugar zone

I'm not sure if this is really awesome, but I put myself on a 30 day no sugar challenge, starting today with my friend Alexis. I wanted to see if it's something I could do, because I know that sugar is the one habit I'm not sure I could break. I'm still allowed sugar in my coffee, but that's about it.

Ever try baking for a food blog and your family and not eating ANY? Me neither. This is going to be interesting.  (by the way, the honey will be okay because it's natural and I barely eat honey anyway)

4. I'm a Real Woman. Of Philadelphia, that is.

Don't worry, I'm totally not dramatic enough to be in a Real Housewives show (or rich enough), but I DID
partner up with Philadelphia cream cheese and am working as an ambassador for 2013! It's all very exciting. You're going to see posts, recipes, and all kinds of things from me over here as well as on Notes From the Cookie Jar and at Chasing Tomatoes.


5. I have a new blog at Yummy Mummy Club!

No longer just writing recipes, I am set to have my own blog at YMC so you'll see all my stuff in one place! I am so excited to be writing at Fresh & Fearless Food, where I'll be talking lots about farms, fresh food and how to be fearless in your kitchen! Upcoming recipes are going to be rhubarb platz, a BBQ chipolte chicken wrap with bacon avocado salsa, and coconut mango pancakes.  I'll post the link when it's live but YMC is working on it at the moment and it's not up yet.

6. Summer is totally coming

Hot weather hit the Fraser Valley this week, with temperatures going up to 30 C!  John and I pulled the bike out of the garage on Saturday and went for a ride up the Fraser Canyon to Cache Creek. If you've never driven the Fraser Canyon, you should-it's so beautiful! We wound by the Fraser river, had lunch in Cache Creek, and even saw bighorn sheep hanging out by the highway.

7. Flats of strawberries

You know spring is here when I start making jam. I have a half flat of strawberries in my fridge, ready to be made into strawberry rhubarb jam! I also discovered a local strawberry farm not far from my house were we can go and pick our own in June. I'm so excited!

8. Close Canada Geese encounters

On Vedder Road in the middle of Chillwack, there is a waterfowl crossing sign. Every year, Canadian geese nest in the area and when the goslings hatch, they hang out in the park and eventually try to cross the road. I've been watching the geese with their goslings wandering around the park every day on my way to work,  wondering when they will try to make a break for the nearby pond. I've been planning to try to get a photo of them. Let's see if I do without getting bit!

9. I'm cooking less and enjoying more

Now this may seem weird to some of you, who are used to me cooking all the time. For awhile I was. In fact, for a time I was madly churning out what felt like a gazillion recipes. Then I kind of became burned out and started to lose the joy of being in my kitchen. I didn't create anymore. These days, I'm getting creative again and re-discovering the joy of just coming up with something to eat from what I have around here.

I love that.

10. A low fat and really tasty chocolate "milkshake"

I love milkshakes, but I don't like the calories in them. I also didn't want to buy ice cream this week, as it was almost $8 a carton. So instead, I bought some kick ass chocolate milk and blended it up with frozen banana. Oooooo..... yummy. Try it. You'll thank me later.

AND, before you give me the "But what about that sugar thing?"  Um...ya. All things in moderation. I needed chocolate. I did manage to stay away from any treats all week, which was a feat!

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30 Days of Blogging: Peek in the Purse

"What's in your purse?" 

At one time, I had a massive purse but through the years, I've paired things down. Two years ago before I went to Blogher 11, I found a very cute little black leather purse that is just the right size for when I'm on the motorcycle. I can tuck it in under my jacket, and it has just enough room for the absolute essentials. 

I hate lugging a lot of stuff around so my purse is tiny and sweet, just compact enough to carry only what I really need. I love it and use it all the time. 

1. Moody Bee lip balm: I use it more than lipstick, especially when my lips are dry or chapped. There's some lipstick, too.

2. a compact brush: I got this thing from a Yummy Mummy Club party when I went to Blissdom 11, and it is AWESOME. I tuck it into my pocket when I'm on the bike, and it's a perfect fit for my purse, too. 

3. a puzzle piece: when we moved, I found this tucked under the couch and put it in my purse. I have yet to find the puzzle to put it back.

4. An earring: Kevin bought me these in grade 6 from a friend who made jewelry. I'm not sure why one is in the purse-but I like them and still wear them. 

5. Cards, cards, and more cards: ID, credit/debit, and member cards to everything from Costco to Save on Foods, a few gift cards to Mucho Burrito, an Ambassador pass to Fort Langley Historical Site, and a frequent bread buyer card from Cobs.

5. some coverup for makeup emergencies: I got this TWO years ago and I still haven't used it all, but it works well so I'm still using it.

6. A pen! (I always have one for emergencies) 

7. bandaids: I'm a Mom-you ALWAYS need bandaids, even when they are older

8. Mints: I'm a little obsessive about having mints. I drink coffee a lot, which gives you nasty breath. The worst thing when you work with kids is having one announce, loudly, that your breath stinks

9. Money: not much, but usually I have at least a quarter and a looney to put in carts when I'm shopping. 

10. a hair tie: having longer hair, I try to carry one in my purse all the time in case I need one. I've used it quite a lot, especially if I'm at work and we're cooking or something.

What is essential in YOUR purse? Anything unusual? 

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30 Days of Blogging: In the Middle

"What's your middle name, and what's it's significance?" 

My middle name is Lynn. As far as I know, it doesn't mean anything-I'm not named for anyone, and there's no amazing story that I know of. I have met a lot of Lynns in my time (in fact, my neighbour's name is Lynn), but it's still not as common as my first name was growing up.

For some reason, everyone named their child Karen back in the early 1970s. There were three of us in most of our classes and when the teachers would call on us, we'd always have to ask, "Which one?" I even had a cousin with almost the EXACT same name (first and last), but the only difference was our middle names. Relatives used to call us "big Karen" and "little Karen" because I was the older one.

Another interesting fact: I'm the only girl in my family who actually goes by her first name. Both my Mom AND my sister may have to legally use their first name in documents, but both actually go by their middle names.

I've never given my middle name a lot of thought. It's just there, attached to my main name, something I put on documents when I need to.

What about you? What's YOUR middle name?

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30 Days of Blogging: Shuffle Me

Awhile ago I agreed to participate in a 30 days of blogging challenge-which was great, but then I promptly forgot about it and went merrily along with my week, even though I was supposed to start on Wednesday.

So, while everyone else is on day 4, I'm just starting.

Yes, my name is Scattered. Gah.

The first question was to find my iPod and list the first ten songs that play. This is funny for several reasons, because I haven't updated my music in forever, and my ipod is now being used as an alarm clock. There's also a lot of music on there that I have planned to delete, but hadn't gotten to quite yet.

Actually a goal of mine is to get some good speakers so that I can hook my ipod up to them and play things in my kitchen. Right now there is no such set up, and I've been music-less since we moved here. John often likes to watch TV so I usually plug my headphones in and just take my ipod with me while I cook. My favourite artists are Keith Urban, Carrie Underwood, and Lady Antebellum, so I have mostly them on my ipod and... a bunch I've forgotten about.

Who is there and what did I find?

1. "Mama" Carrie Underwood

2. "Our Kind of Love" Lady Antebellum

3. "Put You in a Song" Keith Urban

4. "City of Love" Martina McBride

5. "Old Blue Chair" Kenny Chesney

6. "The Voice Within" Christina Aguilera

7. "Days Go By" Keith Urban

8. "Beat it" Michael Jackson

9. "Without You" Dixie Chicks

10. "Sea of No Cares" Great Big Sea

Almost reads like country music radio-which reminds me, I need to update my music.

What's on your iPod?

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